Hardballs: The Night Morganna The Kissing Bandit Jumped The Ryan Express From His Tracks

I discovered my dad's Playboy collection when I was around 10 years old. I was doing the laundry, noticed a big stack of magazines on a shelf out of reach, and curiosity goosed me into hopping up on the washing machine to investigate. The first issue I thumbed through was June '83, choosing it not because of the cover, but because of an inlay that read, "Extra Innings With Morganna, Baseball's Buxom Kissing Bandit".

Thanks to shows like "This Week In Baseball" and "The George Michael Sports Machine" (no, not THAT George Michael), Morganna had already piqued my interest. I found the idea of a large-breasted bleached blonde interrupting a ballgame by running onto the field and kissing players until security wrangled her a hilarious concept. Hell, I still think that'd be a wonderful thing to see a few times a year.

One such Morganna intrusion took place in Houston, TX on April 9th, 1985 on the 20th anniversary of the Astrodome. A big celebration was planned. The legendary Mickey Mantle, the first player to hit a home run in the stadium, was there for the festivities. Olympic great Carl Lewis was also in attendance and threw out the first pitch.

Houston even rolled out Stevie Ray Vaughan to perform the National Anthem. That Houston Chronicle columnist Ed Fowler referred to him as "some yahoo who kept his hat on while butchering the National Anthem on a steel guitar" is beside the point.

Yes, greatness in multitude was on display and it extended to the game itself, a match up of two bonafide aces: the Dodgers' Fernando Valenzuela and the Astros’ Nolan Ryan.

The Opening Day game also signaled the return of Astros shortstop Dickie Thon, who missed the majority of the previous season after getting hit in the temple by a pitch thrown by the Mets' Mike Torrez. The pitch had fractured the orbital bone around Dickie's left eye, derailing what many believed would be an All-star career. Despite blurred vision in his eye for the remainder of his life, Dickie has persisted. On this night, he would be rewarded for fighting his way back to the field.

Morganna Roberts, aka Morganna the Kissing Bandit, didn't wait long to dole out her rewards, sprinting onto the field (as much as one can sprint while braless and sporting a 60" bustline) and making a b-line for "The Ryan Express".

Nolan, seeing her, umm, bounce towards him, immediately dropped to one knee and, with outstretched arms, received a big kiss from the bounding tumbleweed of boobs and hairspray. Morganna then turned her attention to Thon, running over to kiss him before heading into the Dodgers dugout (where she was arrested and charged with trespassing). Several people say they heard Ryan yell, "Hurry up, Morganna! The police are right behind you!"

And here you thought you'd discovered all the reasons you'd ever have to love Nolan Ryan!

"The Ryan Express" chugged right along that night, pitching 7 strong innings and picking up the 2-1 victory over L.A.

Dickie Thon picked up a base hit in the 3rd inning and went 1-for-4 in the game. 42,000+ roared with approval when he reached base.

What took place days after the game, however, was nothing short of comedic genius. Morganna, having been previously charged, called for an attorney to come to her aid. Richard "Racehorse" Haynes, a short, banty rooster of a man who was an amateur welterweight champion boxer in the forties and had made a name for himself in the seventies when he worked several high-profile murder cases in Texas, came to Morganna's rescue.

Haynes claimed that Morganna hadn't intended on trespassing. When pressed for further explanation, the attorney said Morganna actually fell out onto the field after leaning over the railing, the weight of her boobs preventing her from catching herself. With gravity as his defense, the wily attorney doubled down when asked to explain how such an occurrence could have led to Morganna running towards the field, saying she “panicked and ran to pitcher Nolan Ryan as thousands of fans cheered her name.”

The attorney finished by stating, "Anybody who understands the law of gravity will understand it. I'd like to do a test. Seven out of ten times you lean her over the rail, she's going to go over."

The District Attorney, amused by the whole thing, dropped the charges against "The Kissing Bandit" after a request was made by the Houston Sports Association.

Morganna found the entire ordeal humorous, saying, "Have you ever seen so much commotion over a kiss? Next time, I'll shake his hand!"

"The Kissing Bandit" would carry on kissing for another 11 seasons, hanging up her smoocher in 1996 after 27 seasons. Besides Ryan, Morganna can also count fellow Hall of Fame players Cal Ripen, Jr., George Brett and Johnny Bench among her "victims".

Forever known as "the grand dame of baseball", the 75-year-old Kentucky native and former exotic dancer now lives a quiet life in Columbus, Ohio with her husband of forty years.